Dear Fiona: How can I stop my birth mother from finding me? | Agony Aunt

They always show everyone living happily ever after. I, on the other hand, live in dread of my natural mother ever finding me.

I have such superb adoptive parents that the last thing I want to do is rock the boat or hurt them. Is there any way I can block any attempts to find me?

A. T.

FIONA SAYS: YOU MAY BE ABLE TO BLOCK CONTACT ATTEMPTS

I don’t think you are unique; there are many people who feel like you. The Adoption Contact Register at the General Register Office is the place to start.

It’s not a tracing service – which is the normal route people go down when they want to find their birth relatives – it is simply a register. If your birth was registered at the General Register Office (if you were born in England or Wales) and you’re over 18, then you can register your preferences.

For a connection to be made between people, you both need to be on the Adoption Contact Register, where you can register that you do not want to be contacted. Although they will notify you of any birth relatives who have applied for contact, those relatives won’t be told of your no contact wish.

If your birth relatives use an intermediary tracing agency though – as I said, the normal route people use to try and find birth relative – then that agency will be told you don’t want contact.

The agency might still approach you though, just to make sure you still feel the same way.

There have been tales of social media being used to track people, but unless you’re using your birth name and details, this seems unlikely in your case.

DEAR FIONA: MY CHEATING EX HAS MOVED IN NEARBY

Before I married five years ago, I had a serious boyfriend who dumped me for someone else. At the time, I was devastated. But I moved on and now I am very happy and in love with my husband.

The ex-boyfriend, though, married the woman he left me for, and having not seen him all this time, they have moved into a house just around the corner. I’ve seen them around a bit, and he waves but has never spoken.

I feel very shaken and wonder if I can cope having him live so nearby.

I keep having dreams about him and I have suggested to my husband that we think about moving, but when he asks why, I can’t bring myself to explain.

P. N.

FIONA SAYS: HE’S THE ONE WHO SHOULD FEEL BAD

I wonder why you feel so bad about this. If anyone should feel embarrassed and awkward it is him, not you.

In fact, that is probably why all he has done is wave and smile – he is probably too ashamed to talk to you! Moving is a drastic solution: you are happily in love with your husband, and your ex seems happy with his wife, so why turn your life upside down?

SEE ALSO: I never told my husband about my ex-lover | Agony Aunt

If you’re afraid that you’ll still find him attractive and think you won’t be able to control yourself, then I suggest that next time you see him, you start a conversation. I bet you find that once you face up to the reality of the man, he isn’t nearly such a threat as you seem to find him at present and that the dreams will soon pass.

A message from the Editor, Mark Waldron

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